This is a blog from my heart - I hope people don't criticize me for being honest, but I am what I am and I can only be as such.
I've been away working and, as usual, been working extremely hard - for those of you who don't know about Maternity nursing (I call myself a Maternity practitioner, it clears any query about my medical abilities - which are zilch!) When I go off on a contract - I work 144 hours a week - yes, that's 24 hours 6 days a week, it IS a lot, obviously I'm not awake the ENTIRE time, but I AM on duty, and as such, it's my responsiblity to get up at night and care for the baby.
The concequence is that I tend to get EXTREMELY tired, exhausted tired, the bags under my eyes would probably enable me to take enough clothes for a world trip if I could pack them!
All this rambling IS leading somewhere. Ah yes! Ramadan! the reality of the matter is, how on earth to cope throughout Ramadan when I'm working so hard? I haven't a clue how I get through most times, last year I stunned my clients, they couldn't understand how I went without sleep, food and drink for X number of hours - to be honest, I don't know how I did it either, but I DID do it, and I succeeded throughout Ramadan. However, this year is different, everyone's noticed a difference in my demeanor. I'm tired, and crabby, I'm struggling with the simplest of tasks and certainly I'm going through a depressed patch.
I don't know fully what's causing it, I am tired (as always) I've managed to combat my bags with some "miracle" number 7 bag "disguiser" stuff, I actually look quite alert when I put the stuff on. I've had my hair cut and coloured, I'm "resting" at home, I bought myself a lovely little car a few months ago - depressed I shouldn't be, but depressed I am. I think, if I think hard enough, that perhaps it's because I feel bad for leaving my family to work - yes, I did it for all the right reasons, but I can't help thinking perhaps there might have been a different way, I couldn't see it though. My son's are leaving home, spreading their wings, Tom's now at University (I'm not allowed to call it that, but I don't know what else to call it!) he's studying to become an actor.......sorry, a "Professional Pretender!" he's linked up with Helen, and hasn't come home for the holidays - he says he has to work, but Helen's had to work too and they've got the house to themselves because everyone else have gone off on their holidays - who can blame them for wanting to spend the flush of their romance alone. Alex is leaving home for Nottingham, he's going to live with Katie's family, I'm devastated, but what can I do ? My baby is leaving home, the home I'm hardly ever living at anyway, but the THOUGHT that he's left home, is niggling away at me. Katie, thinks it's her that's the problem, her and where she lives - it's not, but how can I explain without making it sound like I'm being selfish - I WANT my sons to have happy, healthy lives, they ARE happy and I am happy they're happy, but I'm still struggling with this so called "empty nest syndrome". If anyone should be struggling with it , it should be Neil, he's here all the time, and soon, I'll be gone again, as will Alex and he'll be rattling around alone in this house.
I'm off to London soon - Orpington to be exact, to work for a family who have just had their first baby. He's a cute little thing, 9 lbs, 27 inches and has an "awake" time at between 3am and 5am :S It's a 4 month contract, it's not a high earner, but it'll pay the bills (just) I'm missing the boys 18th and 21st birthdays, but at least I'll be in England, I'm kinda hoping we'll hook up somewhere and do something special. I haven't, as yet, told the family I'm muslim.
My relationship with Neil has improved, he's a bit more affectionate, but there's still just a platonic friendship kinda thing going on, I really don't know what to do about that - I had thought I'd found someone but I guess he's not that keen, I text to ask to meet (we've met once) he ignores it - or so it feels, eventually, after I've text again, he'll respond, he's busy, working, college whatever. I guess it's time to take the hint. I feel old, fat, ugly and abandoned.
All this is leading to my state of mind, I'm VERY down this year, and now Ramadan has arrived! Normally, I'm fine, I LOVE Ramadan, I always feel trepidation, wondering if I'm going to manage to fast, how I'm going to cope with no food or (more of an issue) drink for X number of hours, but I've always managed to get through and have always felt fantastic - however, this year I'm different, my mind set is bad. Everyone's talking about Ramadan. The week leading up to it was terrible, just the mention of Ramadan, what everyone's doing, where they're going, what they're cooking, and I'd feel SUCH a bubble of anger and tension build up in me. It's SO unlike me, I'm normally such a placid person, but really, it's all too much for me this year - so much is happening, and so much is wrong, but I can't put my finger on any one thing.
I've prayed, and begged for strength - I was given a week's leave of stay for fasting, but soon I'll have to start, what then? will I manage with my mindset, and my long hours? I don't know - I keep telling myself, if I can just pray and read my qur'an, surely that's better than nothing - if I fail miserably this year - I'll have to make it up throughout the year - I KNOW it's not perfect, but this year, I just feel SO alone, SO abandoned, I FEEL I have no-one to help me, I drift around in a bubble of not thinking, because if I DO think, I well up with tears. It didn't help that I tried talking to a couple of people. Their response was, "everyone has problems, you're Muslim - deal with it!" I don't know, I felt I was failing before but after that, I lost everything, and went off on SUCH a "downer", it took me a while to come back from that - even my friends were concerned about my reaction to everything. This week I was told I had become a "Stubborn, grumpy child" - not my usual bonny self. Allah forgive me please, I WILL do my best, but I'm feeling like I'm beaten before I've begun.
