I never thought, that at nearly 50 years old, I'd be SO confused with my life. When I was a child, I truly believed people had got themselves in order by the time they were in their 40's because they were, well, OLD! unfortunately, I think my happiest times were when I was in my late 30's early 40's, everything seemed to be going along swimmingly well. I was happily married to a man I loved, I had two of the most gorgeous children, I had a job I was happy in, a nice house, living the "atypical" life of a modern British family. I thought it would last forever, unfortunately, the bubble ALWAYS bursts somewhere, now pushing 50, the bubble burst 5 years ago - and the last few years have been difficult, exciting - I can't deny that one, but also incredibly hard.
About 7 years ago, we commisioned a builder to put an extention onto the side of our house, just a lounge and utility room, nothing fantastically huge or complex, we also asked if he'd knock down our garage that was attached to the neighbours and build both garages back off the driveway and in the back gardens - fantastic idea, except he was what we call a "Cowboy" builder in England. He did such a slow and dreadful job that come November after 5 months of struggling to cope with his tardiness - I kicked him off site. The problems that followed, were huge and expensive. Apart from all the damage he and his team had done to our house that had to be undone - he also had the audacity to try to take us to court - when he realised we were not going to give up lightly, he disappeared - leaving us with huge debts and half a house. That aside, having taken out loans to pay for the mounting debts and costs, I then lost my job. I was certain it wouldn't be long before I got another job, so I paid the bills on my credit cards - I had little choice at the time, however, it DID take me a long time, and for a year, I was pushing the credit card limits to full max. Eventually I took my last 300 pounds and trained to become a Maternity Nurse, and that is where I am today.
I've been five years working now, the bills are still massive, I've had the privlige of traveling all over , I've worked in the middle east, London, on the continent and all over Britain. In the main I love my job, but I do tend to get upset, I missed my children, resented my husband and hated the fact that I was so lonely. Yes, I think I can say it's been tough. For the last two years my husband and I have been in the throws of a divorce, it's not in a rush coming, because I don't really know what I want to do, how can you divorce someone you love? When I talk about it to people, I'm asked, why I want the divorce, there's not an easy answer, sometimes I think I can live like this forever, just plodding along, taking each day as it comes, however, I'm getting older and fatter, and less attractive almost daily now, and I'm deeply, DEEPLY unhappy with my life. The relationship between my husband and myself is as friends, it's like living with my brother, he's someone I love deeply, but have no urge to have a sexual relationship with , which is good, because he actually has no desire for a relationship with me - but he loves me too! We are absolutely the best of friends. I want a relationship where I feel loved and wanted, where I feel sexy and needed, I don't feel that in my marriage, I just feel tired, and fat and sluggish.
This is where things are so confusing, I want a divorce, but I'm scared to make the move, I have nowhere else to live, I have no money, so I can't rent a place of my own, I have no friends so I'm better off staying at home, at least I have company, it's all very confusing, I don't know whether I want to be single, married, in a relationship, out of a relationship, living my own life or finding a new one!
I truly didn't think I'd ever be in such a muddle in my 50's , life sucks sometimes, when I'm low, I'm deeply depressed, and just want to hide myself away from the world. Yesterday I had a temper tantrum (very unusual for me) but I shouted and screamed and slammed doors - it didn't particularly help, I was tearful and emotional all day, I wanted to be on my own, but I wanted a hug too - things were said that shouldn't have been said, I regretted it almost instantly, because, even though he's like a brother to me, my husband doesn't deserve the sharp edge of my tongue. He asked me today "What do you want? one minute you're telling me I don't see you, I don't look at you , I don't communicate with you, and the next you're saying, 'you don't give me flowers!' " My husband feels he can't win. I feel I can't win. Life is SO confusing, I wish I could just be one of those incredibly organised people who knows EXACTLY where their life is heading, and not this confused, jumble of a person who hasn't a clue from one day to the next what she's doing.!
