It was probably the scariest thing I've done in my 50 years,
and believe you me – I've done a lot! I am no shrinking violet; I’m used to
pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
I was travelling
regularly between Worcester and Osnabruck in Germany by the time I was 11 years
old – almost unaccompanied.
I am a woman who is used to standing up in front of a crowd
and doing presentations – I once spoke for 15 minutes in front of a group of
200 people of whom included members of local Government.
I worked in the NHS as a Childcare coordinator, it was my
job to support and monitor the childcare requirements and work life balance of
6000 staff members.
I now run my own business, and travel around the world –
alone. My work dictates that I live and work in strangers houses, not something
many people can do.
I am used to standing alone, so why is it that I found
putting a headscarf on, and walking out of my front door in my local community
so incredibly stressful?
I haven’t changed, I’m still the person I was 6.5 years ago
when I first reverted to Islam, however, the physical symbol of the hijab
becomes a barrier, an icon of a
supposedly oppressive and aggressive religion (at least, that was my view of
Islam 7 years ago)
6.5 years ago, I was in a “heady” rush to be a “proper
Muslim” – in my eagerness I studied hard to teach myself how to pray,
struggling and stumbling my way down the road I’d chosen. I remember the very
first time I put a scarf on. I was working in the NHS in Lincolnshire, it was
the day the some student doctors had been accused of trying to make a bomb – I
walked into work and the first thing the receptionist said upon seeing me in my
“glitzy pink” scarf was, “Have you got a bomb in your bag?” I was left shaking,
only the day before, we’d been joking over my identity badge and how I’d always
lose it in my bag somewhere.
Later that week, I was delivering some documentation to a
Doctor in the hospital, walking along the corridors in another “glitzy” bright
scarf, a person walked past me and spat out “BOMBER!!”! at me.
After many experiences throughout the world, I ended up
taking my scarf off – not because of the horrendous remarks I’d receive (some were
hilarious, like the Irish lady behind me
in London suddenly saying in an irate voice from behind me “Oh! These
FOREIGNERS! Why don’t they B*** off where they came from??!!” to which I
returned a very startled “Excuse me! Are you talking to me?!” in my public
school accent – poor lady ran off as fast as her legs could take her) but
because, with time, I realized just how fast I’d come down the road, and how
I’d missed many major points which left me struggling. At one point, the only
“real” bit of Islam in me was the scarf, so I took it off, in order to
concentrate on becoming a “better Muslim”, vowing to put it on again when I had
the strength of conviction that I was more centered on Islam from the inside.
That day arrived today, and as I walked round the village, I
felt sad that I was almost hiding under my hood, yes, it was raining, but it
wasn't before I left the house, and I still wore the hood. InshAllah (God
willing) tomorrow I will be stronger, and will wear the hijab without hiding.
It was saddening to think that I found the simple act of
wrapping a scarf around my head so incredibly stressful, that I was stood
shaking at my front door – thinking about all the dreadful things that would,
could and have been said. Why are people so scared of the scarf?
I've not changed, I’m still the same person I was this
morning, yesterday, last year! Why am I
so scared of people’s reactions when I don’t even know what they will be? Why
am I so scared to be seen as different?
For all I know, there may well be people out there – in my
village, wanting to know more about Islam, maybe already practicing, but just
wanting to find the strength to wear hijab, or to show they are Muslim. How do
I know, I won’t be the catalyst to give someone else who’s struggling, the
strength to do what they feel is in their heart.
Only Allah knows the reason behind why things happen, I
should have faith in Allah’s plans for me, I SHOULD be a lot stronger than I
am, but for now, I am thankful that it rained while I walked, and that I had to
cover my scarf with my hood.
Today I pushed myself as far out of my comfort zone as I
could possibly go, today I proved to myself, I can be stronger than I realized.
Bring on tomorrow inshAllah.
