Today I did something new.

It was probably the scariest thing I've done in my 50 years, and believe you me – I've done a lot! I am no shrinking violet; I’m used to pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

 I was travelling regularly between Worcester and Osnabruck in Germany by the time I was 11 years old – almost unaccompanied. 

I am a woman who is used to standing up in front of a crowd and doing presentations – I once spoke for 15 minutes in front of a group of 200 people of whom included members of local Government.

I worked in the NHS as a Childcare coordinator, it was my job to support and monitor the childcare requirements and work life balance of 6000 staff members.

I now run my own business, and travel around the world – alone. My work dictates that I live and work in strangers houses, not something many people can do.

I am used to standing alone, so why is it that I found putting a headscarf on, and walking out of my front door in my local community so incredibly stressful?

I haven’t changed, I’m still the person I was 6.5 years ago when I first reverted to Islam, however, the physical symbol of the hijab becomes a barrier,  an icon of a supposedly oppressive and aggressive religion (at least, that was my view of Islam 7 years ago)

6.5 years ago, I was in a “heady” rush to be a “proper Muslim” – in my eagerness I studied hard to teach myself how to pray, struggling and stumbling my way down the road I’d chosen. I remember the very first time I put a scarf on. I was working in the NHS in Lincolnshire, it was the day the some student doctors had been accused of trying to make a bomb – I walked into work and the first thing the receptionist said upon seeing me in my “glitzy pink” scarf was, “Have you got a bomb in your bag?” I was left shaking, only the day before, we’d been joking over my identity badge and how I’d always lose it in my bag somewhere.

Later that week, I was delivering some documentation to a Doctor in the hospital, walking along the corridors in another “glitzy” bright scarf, a person walked past me and spat out “BOMBER!!”! at me.

After many experiences throughout the world, I ended up taking my scarf off – not because of the horrendous remarks I’d receive (some were hilarious, like the Irish lady behind me  in London suddenly saying in an irate voice from behind me “Oh! These FOREIGNERS! Why don’t they B*** off where they came from??!!” to which I returned a very startled “Excuse me! Are you talking to me?!” in my public school accent – poor lady ran off as fast as her legs could take her) but because, with time, I realized just how fast I’d come down the road, and how I’d missed many major points which left me struggling. At one point, the only “real” bit of Islam in me was the scarf, so I took it off, in order to concentrate on becoming a “better Muslim”, vowing to put it on again when I had the strength of conviction that I was more centered on Islam from the inside.

That day arrived today, and as I walked round the village, I felt sad that I was almost hiding under my hood, yes, it was raining, but it wasn't before I left the house, and I still wore the hood. InshAllah (God willing) tomorrow I will be stronger, and will wear the hijab without hiding.

It was saddening to think that I found the simple act of wrapping a scarf around my head so incredibly stressful, that I was stood shaking at my front door – thinking about all the dreadful things that would, could and have been said. Why are people so scared of the scarf?

I've not changed, I’m still the same person I was this morning, yesterday, last year!  Why am I so scared of people’s reactions when I don’t even know what they will be? Why am I so scared to be seen as different?

For all I know, there may well be people out there – in my village, wanting to know more about Islam, maybe already practicing, but just wanting to find the strength to wear hijab, or to show they are Muslim. How do I know, I won’t be the catalyst to give someone else who’s struggling, the strength to do what they feel is in their heart.

Only Allah knows the reason behind why things happen, I should have faith in Allah’s plans for me, I SHOULD be a lot stronger than I am, but for now, I am thankful that it rained while I walked, and that I had to cover my scarf with my hood.

Today I pushed myself as far out of my comfort zone as I could possibly go, today I proved to myself, I can be stronger than I realized.

Bring on tomorrow inshAllah.