Actually, this is not the right time to be writing this, as I have to be out of the door in 45 mins, and I'm not even dressed yet, but this subject has been playing on my mind for quite some time, as several people have asked me in recent weeks how and why I became Muslim.
It's a well known fact that I didn't revert because I fell in love with a Muslim man, married and - well, history. My story is marginally different, one, I hope, you will find interesting and enjoy.
Several years ago, I used to communicate with my family via Skype, my father was in Devon, my brothers in Germany, so it was the easiest way to keep in touch. I'd made several online friends and so was well used to socializing via the internet. One evening a young man sent a friend request, which (with me being me) I accepted - my theory is that I am quite sociable, and will happily accept anyone so long as they're decent people, there was always the option to delete and block if necessary.
His first words were (more or less) "Hi, I'm (his name) and I'm Muslim" My first thought was "oooeck! a Muslim, could be trouble here" - I didn't think I was particularly Islamophobic, but he was actually the very first muslim I'd ever spoken to and I had been aware that Muslims were very (let's say) sensitive about things and maybe a little "out of hand" (I was thinking 9/11 and Satanic Verses incidents) I quickly began to think of ways to end this conversation and disappear into the relative safety of cyber space.
My life changed with his next sentance "BET you think I'm a terrorist!!:p " - he WAS joking, but I was COMPLETELY flustered my side of the computer - I was thinking ......"OH MY GOD!!!!! he's a mind reader!!!!" (I seem to remember actually checking I hadn't got my cam on!) I frantically typed " NO! no, not at all hahaha, " (cringing inside!) I thought, how could I possibly end this conversation, he simply said " how can I be, if my greeting is "Salam" which means "Peace" " It kinda made sense. In order to prove I'd not been thinking what he'd said I'd been thinking (which I kinda had) I felt obligated to continue our conversation after that.
Time passed, days, weeks, months - we had great conversations about all sorts of things and eventually, the penny dropped (I'm a bit slow on the uptake at the best of times) I suddenly thought - how come a young lad (he was not much older than my eldest son) was talking to a middle aged woman on equal terms - (sweeping generalization coming here - for which I apologise) in my experience, most young lads of his age (early 20's) were out drinking, partying and showing interest in women, and here he was talking to me about his life, his dreams, his schooling and family etc, perfectly eloquently in a language other than his native one.
I suddenly saw a massive paradox in my view of how Muslim's were, with the way this young lad was behaving, so I decided to find out WHY there was such a difference. I bought a book called "Teach yourself Islam" (can't remember the author) it was a student book - after all, I didn't want converting, or tricking into becoming Muslim, I just wanted to know the basic facts - up until that point, I hadn't a clue what Islam was about.
I started at the back (all the juicy bits about adultory, stoning, jihad, terrorism were in the final chapters) although it made for uncomfortable reading in some cases, it DID make sense and I could understand the reasoning behind things, so I turned to the (less inspiring) front of the book and was SHOCKED! The first thing I saw was the name Jesus, followed by Moses, Abraham, Adam etc, I was totally stunned, literally, up until that point I'd not realized the similarities between the two religions. I was hooked, I read the book in it's entirety in a weekend.
It took a lot of reading and talking, discussing Islam, asking questions etc. I met lovely people, born Muslims and revert Muslims from all over the world in my little computer. I wasn't really aware I was moving along the road to reversion, but I gradually wanted to become more involved. I was impressed when I spoke to people who were fasting, I didn't understand the implications - but the patience people showed at my stupidity, naivety, and blatent ignorance was impressive (I can say that now that I look back in time)
A name was chosen for me - Rania (that made sense, I didn't have to change my signature - pft, I didn't show so much sense when I actually reverted, but that's ME all over!) :p Life continued, I don't know how long it took, but I DO know, I ended up really struggling with myself, I KNEW deep down that I was Muslim, that I HAD to be Muslim, that I had no option BUT to take my Shadaha, but my belief in Jesus being the son of god was too entrenched in my brain and thoughts, I COULDN'T drop that belief no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I believed in what I was reading about Islam.
I read about the Prophet Mohammad (SAWS) about his life, his struggles, I was blown away reading about the seven heavens, how did a man who lived in the desert, who couldn't read, know that the sea is as black as ink the deeper you go down into the sea? How did he know about waves? undercurrents? the gulf of Alaska where the salt and fresh water oceans meet but don't mix? how did he know the earth was round when the rest of the world believed it was flat? The star systems, the galaxy, I was so totally amazed at what I was reading BUT I COULD NOT GET JESUS AS THE SON OF GOD OUT OF MY MIND. It drove me to near madness, I couldn't sleep, I remember I cried a LOT - I'm sure ANYONE will tell you making such a change in your life is NOT easy!
Then one day - Sunday 26th November 2006, I woke up, my husband had gone out, my eldest son was on his paper round, my youngest son was still sleeping, I remember getting up - my head was buzzing, and felt SOOOOOOO heavy, my face hot and sore from crying, I really felt dreadful. I sat there on the side of the bed, with my head ringing with a thousand voices - I literally felt like I was in a room full of people, all shouting, I could hear the voices, but I couldn't hear the words, it was truly terrible.
I went into the bathroom and stepped into the shower - I remember saying a prayer, in tears - begging - "PLEASE DEAR GOD PLEASE, help me, I can't do this on my own, PLEASE help me!" , I can remember the feeling of my tears burning my face, the "noise" in my head was incredible, I truly felt my head was going to explode, I turned on the shower............
and then it happened, I ABSOLUTELY, truly and honestly tell you, this is my TOTAL recollection - the INSTANT that water touched the top of my head, was the INSTANT my mind went silent, I just stood there allowing the water flow over me, and then I heard just one voice - just one, the words came to me................BEFORE Jesus, who was there?
THAT gave me the answer I was looking for, because, without Jesus - there IS no Trinity, there is no father, son and holy ghost! With that, I got out of the shower, dried, dressed, and said my Shadaha without a moment's hesitation.
It hasn't been an easy road for me, I struggle on a daily basis to keep going, and mostly I've fallen or tripped somewhere along the road at least once in the week, if not once in a day, but I keep going, I keep trying, I have no-one to push me forwards except me, I'm responsible for my actions, good and bad, I just have to keep praying that I'm forgiven my bad mistakes and I achieve more good actions, InshAllah one day that will be the case.
For two weeks I struggled to teach myself to pray in secret - I didn't have a scarf, so I wore a table cloth, a dish cloth was my prayer mat, I prayed in the wrong direction. I used to leap up and snatch the table cloth off my head and throw it away from me when I heard my husband walking towards the room - the conversations we had were very stilted and difficult. I remember one particularly embarrassing moment, when we had the plumber come round to fit a new shower - I popped into the shower to ask if there was nything he wanted , he said no, so I raced off into my lounge, drew the curtains, stragegically placed the armchairs to allow me to help me stand up after kneeling to pray...........I tried, but I was in so much pain kneeling, that I couldn't concentrate on anything, so I leavered myself up - JUST as the plumber knocked on the door and walked in - goodness knows what he thought of me, stood there squashed between two armchairs, tears streaming down my face, curtains pulled shut and wearing a table cloth on my head - I can tell you here and now - that was MAJORLY embarrassing! I don't know who for though - him or me!
It was three months before I actually physically met a Muslim sister in Lincoln - I was walking around town looking for a gift for a child I'd been caring for, I found a small arcade I'd not been down before and went to explore it - after all, it might have had the gift I was looking for, I didn't find the gift, but I did see a lady walking around in an Indian headscarf. I darted into the shop she'd vacated a minute prior to my getting there, and I asked the shop keeper if the lady she'd just served was muslim - she said yes, she also said they were friends, and she'd call her back - I was terribly embarrassed and shaking like a leaf, and refused her offer, but she did it any way, and she'd called the lady back before I could run............I cried!!
I've cried a lot as a Muslim, it's been very much an emotional journey for me. I remember finding out where the mosque is in Lincoln - just a small XBaptist Hall, holds about 60 people on a good day, certainly no-where for sisters to pray. I remember wrapping up in a brown Pashmina scarf, wearing my brown hooded coat, and sitting on the wall, at the corner of the street, watching the muslim families take their children to the mosque and take them home again. I was trying to take comfort from the side lines, I was way too shy to approach anyone at that time, and too nervous to be seen in a scarf, but DESPERATE to "fit in"
Seven years down the line I have struggled with many MANY issues, I've had good and bad times, good and bad experiences, I've worn the scarf, I've not worn the scarf, I'm back in a scarf, I'm TRYING, like I said, I trip up - A LOT, but I've NEVER lost my belief in Allah, in nearly 7 years, I'm proud of who I've become, I love my family dearly who have supported me, my sons have tried fasting with me, attended the occasional Iftars, I am free to wear hijab, I'm free to attend whatever I want............my only sadness is - I'm ALWAYS alone now, I never have the company of my family at any of these events, I understand it , I know it's difficult for them (especially my husband) but it is very saddening for me - I guess so, for him too.
I don't know what the future will hold for me, I don't know where I'm going, I'm just taking one step at a time, for all my panicking and racing around like a headless chicken - I DO totally 100% believe what I have done is right for me Alhamdulillah.
The end of this tale is the person who I spoke to all those years ago is still a friend, he's married now, to a beautiful young lady, I've always said I'd go out to Morocco to meet him - it's my objective in life that I WILL go out and say thank you - Allah hasn't seen fit that I go out yet, maybe I never will, who knows, I trust and believe in Allah's plans for me - I hope and pray they're good inshAllah, but I am TOTALLY in his hands, after all, I haven't been let down yet mashAllah, I'm here, and BOY! have I come a long way !! (Most of it - without even realizing just how far I've come!)
I hope I haven't bored you with my tale, I didn't mean to waffle on for so long, I have promised to write this several times, I hope you enjoy it and perhaps, maybe, find some inspiration or strength in what I've written, InshAllah, you'll see a little bit of humour as well.
Take care, and JazzAllah khair for reading <3
No comments:
Post a Comment