Today I did something new.

It was probably the scariest thing I've done in my 50 years, and believe you me – I've done a lot! I am no shrinking violet; I’m used to pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

 I was travelling regularly between Worcester and Osnabruck in Germany by the time I was 11 years old – almost unaccompanied. 

I am a woman who is used to standing up in front of a crowd and doing presentations – I once spoke for 15 minutes in front of a group of 200 people of whom included members of local Government.

I worked in the NHS as a Childcare coordinator, it was my job to support and monitor the childcare requirements and work life balance of 6000 staff members.

I now run my own business, and travel around the world – alone. My work dictates that I live and work in strangers houses, not something many people can do.

I am used to standing alone, so why is it that I found putting a headscarf on, and walking out of my front door in my local community so incredibly stressful?

I haven’t changed, I’m still the person I was 6.5 years ago when I first reverted to Islam, however, the physical symbol of the hijab becomes a barrier,  an icon of a supposedly oppressive and aggressive religion (at least, that was my view of Islam 7 years ago)

6.5 years ago, I was in a “heady” rush to be a “proper Muslim” – in my eagerness I studied hard to teach myself how to pray, struggling and stumbling my way down the road I’d chosen. I remember the very first time I put a scarf on. I was working in the NHS in Lincolnshire, it was the day the some student doctors had been accused of trying to make a bomb – I walked into work and the first thing the receptionist said upon seeing me in my “glitzy pink” scarf was, “Have you got a bomb in your bag?” I was left shaking, only the day before, we’d been joking over my identity badge and how I’d always lose it in my bag somewhere.

Later that week, I was delivering some documentation to a Doctor in the hospital, walking along the corridors in another “glitzy” bright scarf, a person walked past me and spat out “BOMBER!!”! at me.

After many experiences throughout the world, I ended up taking my scarf off – not because of the horrendous remarks I’d receive (some were hilarious, like the Irish lady behind me  in London suddenly saying in an irate voice from behind me “Oh! These FOREIGNERS! Why don’t they B*** off where they came from??!!” to which I returned a very startled “Excuse me! Are you talking to me?!” in my public school accent – poor lady ran off as fast as her legs could take her) but because, with time, I realized just how fast I’d come down the road, and how I’d missed many major points which left me struggling. At one point, the only “real” bit of Islam in me was the scarf, so I took it off, in order to concentrate on becoming a “better Muslim”, vowing to put it on again when I had the strength of conviction that I was more centered on Islam from the inside.

That day arrived today, and as I walked round the village, I felt sad that I was almost hiding under my hood, yes, it was raining, but it wasn't before I left the house, and I still wore the hood. InshAllah (God willing) tomorrow I will be stronger, and will wear the hijab without hiding.

It was saddening to think that I found the simple act of wrapping a scarf around my head so incredibly stressful, that I was stood shaking at my front door – thinking about all the dreadful things that would, could and have been said. Why are people so scared of the scarf?

I've not changed, I’m still the same person I was this morning, yesterday, last year!  Why am I so scared of people’s reactions when I don’t even know what they will be? Why am I so scared to be seen as different?

For all I know, there may well be people out there – in my village, wanting to know more about Islam, maybe already practicing, but just wanting to find the strength to wear hijab, or to show they are Muslim. How do I know, I won’t be the catalyst to give someone else who’s struggling, the strength to do what they feel is in their heart.

Only Allah knows the reason behind why things happen, I should have faith in Allah’s plans for me, I SHOULD be a lot stronger than I am, but for now, I am thankful that it rained while I walked, and that I had to cover my scarf with my hood.

Today I pushed myself as far out of my comfort zone as I could possibly go, today I proved to myself, I can be stronger than I realized.

Bring on tomorrow inshAllah.

Holidaying with my brother's famil;y

May day came to find me sitting on a train racing to Stuttgart, I was excited because I haven't seen my brother for nigh on 8 years, and have never met his family. That was a few days ago, and it's been such a joy, I have loved every minute, playing games with my four year old niece and Daniella and her triplets, they're all so lovely to me, I'm so happy I was given the chance to catch up with them finally.

The funniest thing about my niece is that she has refused point blank to speak any English to me, she understands everything that was said to her, and she was so lovely in showing me how to play games on the wii, what to do, where to put things, so sweet, but she and I had very surreal conversations in Anglo-German, she spoke German, I responded in English. Funny thing is, I understood what she was saying (in the main) so I could reply to her in English - must have sounded so strange to the outside world, but it was a lark, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I shall miss her especially. Although all. the children were lovely, and I would dearly love to show them England. The two older girls kept saying they wanted to speak English like me - which was very sweet :)

Of course, I've been keeping myself occupied whilst I've been here, I went for a walk yesterday and explored Mockmul, an amazingly beautiful medieval town I've been uploading photos ever since, it's quite time consuming, but I hope, the people who get to see them get some kind of enjoyment from them.

Moeckmul is a small but heavily guarded town, with a beautiful (still inhabited) castle. The story goes that there was a young noble lady - Mechita - who owned a mill at a time when the town was under siege from some marauding rebels, when she came across the idea to place the chickens all along the wall, she set the sails going round in her mill, and fooled the rebels  into thinking the town had too much to eat and that it would be hard work trying to siege them out. 

In the center of the town there is a modern (albeit a bit strange looking) statue of Mechita sitting on the edge of a pool with a fountain. While I was there, she was next to the Maypole. The town also houses another strange statue - just outside the church, of a mother dragging a child holding a puppet (presumably ) to church, interesting idea, but again, not a particularly flattering statue. 

Apart from the two modernish statues, the town is very medieval looking, with many half wood buildings (if it were England, I'd say Tudor, but I don't know what the equivilent is in Germany) it's placed on a hill with a fantastic castle on the top - I hope to get a photo of the town from the other hill after seeing the castle in it's glory yesterday. However, the castle is being lived in and therefore still a private residence, so I couldn't actually go around it. The best I could manage was to photograph from around the castle walls. 

I found a fantastic little wool shop - oh! so many different ideas, I love traveling and seeing the different crafts people do, I ended up having a surreal conversation with the owner about knitting with ribbon (which, of course, I HAD to try out!) so I had a very quick lesson in ribbon knitting - in German, so of course, I actually didn't understand a word, however, I have given it a go and have managed to figure out how to make a scarf with ribbon.

Absolutely delighted with the end result, and have given it to one of the triplets :p I'm now having to make another one for the second triplet girl :) and then a third for my page on FB - I like to keep myself busy - you know what they say about idle hands. 

Today started misty and pretty grotty, but now, at mid day - the sun is out and it's absolutely gorgeous - just waiting for my brother to finish whatever it is he's doing on his computer, to take me on a promised sight seeing tour. Can't wait, been charging my phone for the last 4 hours in anticipation. 

The sight seeing tour was lovely - first of all we went to Jagsthausen a castle that has been turned into a hotel, but also had a theatre in it - which held regular performances. Then we went onto a Monastery nearby that was absolutely gorgeous. 

Why are the Germans nicer to each other than the English are ?

I have noticed, whilst I've been working out here in Munich, that the Germans really do appear to be a lot nicer and thoughtful towards each other than the English ever appear to be.

I was travelling on the tram the other day, it was hot and sunny for once, and the sun was streaming in through the window - when I embarked on the tram, it was all but empty, and not being a particular sun worshiper - I chose a seat away from the sun. As the journey continued, more people got on , and eventually, people were sitting on the side where the sun burned to a frazzle, anything sitting  on that side of the tram.
An elderly lady with a walking stick got on and sat next to me, another lady, (not quite so elderly) also embarked, and sat in the dreaded sun drenched seat - after a few minutes, the lady who was sitting next to me, nudged a young lady behind us, who promptly gave up her seat for the lady sitting next to me - the one sat on the hot seat then got up and sat next to me! Now I've never seen anything like that before, I would imagine, if that had happened on the underground in England, someone somewhere, would have either been laughed at, shouted at, or flattened - or, more likely, left to cook on the hot seat.

Now, apart from the country being HUGELY cleaner than England - yes, there are occasional blips where you can see rubbish, and I totally abhor dog owners who refuse to pick up after their dogs, but, intermittent belligerence accepting, in the main, Germany appears to be cleaner.
I was wandering around Munich the other day - no small city I hasten to add, and really, there was NO rubbish, I mean, literally no rubbish - I didn't feel dirty wandering around, there were no nasty urine smells coming from doorways, no glass on the ground, no plastic bags, polystyrene cups from coffee shops, nothing! Zilch!

I don't know if that is the reason for all of the kindness shown, but perhaps respect for one's surroundings goes a long way to helping people feel better about themselves, their surroundings and their fellow citizens. Whatever it was, it was a joy to see, and it's not an isolated incident - I have witnessed several occurrences of kindness and thoughtfulness in the six weeks that I've been here.

I don't know why the English can be so aggressive towards each other, not everyone is, I admit that, and throughout my travels I have been told many MANY times that the English are lovely, warm and welcoming to foreigners - perhaps that's what it is - you have to be foreign to be given love in England.

I've recently started knitting again, it's taken me a while to get back on the bandwagon, but working with the twins one of who is now a STOMPING 10 lbs, has too many clothes, the little girl, however, has next to nothing to wear, she's struggling to make 5 lbs at the moment, bless her TINY little cotton socks!
In a fit of despair, during a discussion with the mother, she said she'd willingly commission me to make a cardigan especially for her tiny daughter.
As I'm working in Germany at the moment, I couldn't use any pattern books, in the main because I can't read German, but also, I'd have to lug any patterns back when I returned to the UK, and I've enough junk in my suitcase as it is! So I promptly went onto the BBC Stoke and Stafford Ray of Hope website and found a pretty little cardigan suitable for a baby up to 5 lbs - PERFECT! I copied the pattern and bought some buff coloured wool (mother wanted natural "earthy" colours with a cashmere twist) I found some cashmere baby silk wool, bought whatever else I needed for my mini project and caught the tram back.

I had to fit the knitting in between the care of the twins, the washing, ironing and keeping on top of everything the mother wanted for the twins, but I must say, I'm very pleased with the result. Given the fact that I've not actually PROPERLY knitted anything since the Thomas the Tank Engine jumper I knitted for my Thomas when he was 18 months old (and he's now pushing 23 years!) I can't exactly call myself a pro. knitter, but I tried and I'm happy, with it - the mother is delighted, and put her daughter in it ALL the time, all day and tried most of the nights - she's in the UK at the moment, and had to leave the little girl behind because she's just too small to fly, so I've taken the chance and actually washed the cardigan.

Now that I've got the knitting bug again, what will I do next I wonder, I'll just have to find something that catches my eye. I'm going home in a couple of weeks for a few days - I'll have to look out my knitting/crochet needles, any wool I can find and stuff it all into my suitcase - there'll be NO stopping me after that. Can't wait <3

And the FRUSTRATION sets in!!

Why is it so hard to find a decent pattern and when you do, you can't actually get your hands on it? This is what's happened to me today. For the last couple of weeks I've seen the MOST delightful wrist warmers, REALLY cute, from the magazine Molly's makes - I LOVE them and am desperate to make them. Problem is.......I'm in Germany, and so's the Magazine. I, of course, can't speak or read a word of German, so  I'm kind of snookered. I've looked everywhere online, and can't even get a back copy. I'm really at a loss. Why can't you just buy one magazine online, or a copy of the pattern. It's not that I want the blooming thing for free, I'm happy to pay, but I refuse to pay 50 odd pounds for a subscription that I won't want, and can't afford! :\
What a to do eh

A dreadful misunderstanding

We spend our lives wandering around trying our best to get on with our lives. I don't think anyone fully intends to go around upsetting people, but sometimes, it just happens. On the whole I think most people are just nice, and want to get along with each other, after all, we're all very much the same inside, and really, wherever we come from is irrelivent - we all just want to live our lives in peace, love and harmony, and just be comfortable with our lot. Ok, there are others on this planet who want considerably more than Got ever intended, and they're a pretty unhappy, and probably unworthy crew, but in the main, we're all just after peace of mind, full of good health and happiness.

I have been struggling with myself these last few weeks, because I deeply offended, and then RE- offended a beautiful friend of mine. It was not my intention, and unfortunately, once the bubble had burst, I couldn't let it go - being a dog to a bone, I had to apologise, and apologise again, but I constantly said the wrong thing, whatever it was, I was very confused and upset by the whole episode, and very quickly found myself out of my depth. The more I apologised, and tried to make things right, the worse I made things, which made ME feel worse, and so I apologised all over again - eventually the situation became unbearable to all concerned, and we parted company in a very distressing manner, with the friend concerned feeling I'd abandoned her in her absolute hour of need and me feeling like something that had been dropped on the pavement, stepped in and scraped all around.

I have no means of contacting this person, who now thinks I'm probably the worst person in the world, but I truly had no intent of hurting her, it happened, and it passed, and I have to live with it.  I just have to hope and pray that one day I will be forgiven.

The offshoot to this episode has made me aware that we're none of us who we appear in reality, as much as we'd like to think we are, the cyber world has brought the "devil" out in us. Words, sentances, phrases are all misinturpreted, misconstrued, and innocent words are taken hurtfully, or hateful words are "bandied" around with our over inflated bravery from behind the screen.

We have the misconception that people we meet online are our friends, and whereas we'd normally find friends on the school run, at work or in the social setting, our lives are increasingly being taken over by the internet - our cyber friends - probably someone we've never met, suddenly become incredibly important in our lives, certainly in mine they did. However, after the shock and distress of this latest incident - I have started cutting back on my cyber life. I have realised, that the people I thought I knew, loved and trusted, were - in reality, still relative strangers, so no more for me, I have to move on, and try to build a life for myself away from the internet despite living such a lonely and isolating existance.

My only and deepest regret is that I have lost and deeply hurt a sister and friend when she needed me the most, that I will never forgive myself for, may Allah forgive me.

Life is so confusing, or is it just me?!

I never thought, that at nearly 50 years old, I'd be SO confused with my life. When I was a child, I truly believed people had got themselves in order by the time they were in their 40's because they were, well, OLD! unfortunately, I think my happiest times were when I was in my late 30's early 40's, everything seemed to be going along swimmingly well. I was happily married to a man I loved, I had two of the most gorgeous children, I had a job I was happy in, a nice house, living the "atypical" life of a modern British family. I thought it would last forever, unfortunately, the bubble ALWAYS bursts somewhere, now pushing 50, the bubble burst 5 years ago - and the last few years have been difficult, exciting - I can't deny that one, but also incredibly hard.

About 7 years ago, we commisioned a builder to put an extention onto the side of  our house, just a lounge and utility room, nothing fantastically huge or complex, we also asked if he'd knock down our garage that was attached to the neighbours and build both garages back off the driveway and in the back gardens - fantastic idea, except he was what we call a "Cowboy" builder in England. He did such a slow and dreadful job that come November after 5 months of struggling to cope with his tardiness - I kicked him off site. The problems that followed, were huge and expensive. Apart from all the damage he and his team had done to our house that had to be undone -  he also had the audacity to try to take us to court - when he realised we were not going to give up lightly, he disappeared - leaving us with huge debts and half a house. That aside, having taken out loans to pay for the mounting debts and costs, I then lost my job. I was certain it wouldn't be long before I got another job, so I paid the bills on my credit cards - I had little choice at the time, however, it DID take me a long time, and for a year, I was pushing the credit card limits to full max. Eventually I took my last 300 pounds and trained to become a Maternity Nurse, and that is where I am today.

I've been five years working now, the bills are still massive, I've had the privlige of traveling all over , I've worked in the middle east, London, on the continent and all over Britain. In the main I love my job, but I do tend to get upset, I missed my children, resented my husband and hated the fact that I was so lonely. Yes, I think I can say it's been tough. For the last two years my husband and I have been in the throws of a divorce, it's not in a rush coming, because I don't really know what I want to do, how can you divorce someone you love? When I talk about it to people, I'm asked, why I want the divorce, there's not an easy answer, sometimes I think I can live like this forever, just plodding along, taking each day as it comes, however, I'm getting older and fatter, and less attractive almost daily now, and I'm deeply, DEEPLY unhappy with my life. The relationship between my husband and myself is as friends, it's like living with my brother, he's someone I love deeply, but have no urge to have a sexual relationship with , which is good, because he actually has no desire for a relationship with me - but he loves me too! We are absolutely the best of friends. I want a relationship where I feel loved and wanted, where I feel sexy and needed, I don't feel that in my marriage, I just feel tired, and fat and sluggish.

This is where things are so confusing, I want a divorce, but I'm scared to make the move, I have nowhere else to live, I have no money, so I can't rent a place of my own, I have no friends so I'm better off staying at home, at least I have company, it's all very confusing, I don't know whether I want to be single, married, in a relationship, out of a relationship, living my own life or finding a new one!

I truly didn't think I'd ever be in such a muddle in my 50's , life sucks sometimes, when I'm low, I'm deeply depressed, and just want to hide myself away from the world. Yesterday I had a temper tantrum (very unusual for me) but I shouted and screamed and slammed doors - it didn't particularly help, I was tearful and emotional all day, I wanted to be on my own, but I wanted a hug too - things were said that shouldn't have been said, I regretted it almost instantly, because, even though he's like a brother to me, my husband doesn't deserve the sharp edge of my tongue. He asked me today "What do you want? one minute you're telling me I don't see you, I don't look at you , I don't communicate with you, and the next  you're saying, 'you don't give me flowers!' "   My husband feels he can't win. I feel I can't win. Life is SO confusing, I wish I could just be one of those incredibly organised people who knows EXACTLY where their life is heading, and not this confused, jumble of a person who hasn't a clue from one day to the next what she's doing.!